Sleeping can be torture

I really hate sleeping sometimes not because I’m closing my eyes and missing out on the world, but because of what happens sometimes when I close my eyes. I haven’t thought of my first love in a year and I spent the past two days dreaming about him.  I dreamt he was getting a divorce from his longtime girlfriend.

I thought of him spending time with my daughter again and the three of us together. I cursed his memory too. All the horrible arguments. His total control over me. His unwillingness to be supportive or positive or to love me. I kept telling myself, “Don’t miss him.” “Don’t think about him.” “He was horrible to you.” “Remember what he said to your daughter? How he treated her? She was traumatized by him.” “She hates him.” I kept telling myself to not care, but I couldn’t help it. I looked him up online.

He married her. The filipino model.  She looks beautiful. Her dress must be at least 20 grand.  He looks great in his suit. I compare myself to her. This week it happened, I assume, because the wedding photos were posted…two…days :sigh: ago.

He was horrible to me. He tried to atone for it while I was with someoneelse.  I was afraid of him. Truly afraid of him by that point. Listening to his voice made me have a panic attack, but I kept talking to him…forcing myself to try to change how I felt towards him.  I couldn’t. He proposed to me.  The only person to have done so properly and he did it right where we broke up, right where we first dated…God so many painful memories and I can’t stop thinking about him. Why does it still hurt 5 years later?

I guess it’s because of the child we lost that summer.