Preparing for the holidays

I realize my therapist will tell me I haven’t been taking care of myself lately. Don’t worry, I still shower. She means internally. Just got word he thinks I took it and won’t bother to argue about it. He’ll never talk to me again now and eventhough we’ve been on this path for over a year it still hurts. It doesn’t hurt as much as it used to at least. Another holiday without him…the second one in 3 years.

Last we spoke, he reminded me we spent xmas together last year…jerk. I know he said it to hurt me.

Christmas came early

In my family we usually open presents early and keeping up with tradition we did it today. This weekend was particularly depressing and seeing my daughter open her presents today was a great way to pick up our spirits.

I’ve spent the passed few days on the receiving end of his ire for the missing 10 grand b/c I’m “the only person” who’s been over his house in a month. Although, he screamed at me last Sunday for interrupting his family time at his place.

When I showed up Tuesday morning he was sweet.  We lied down next to each other, made love, talked.  I just never know who I am going to get when I see him.I showed up yesterday, uninvited as always and he wasn’t the same.  I wore a dress, straightened my hair, looked super hot. I, wanting to please him, spent 3 hours getting screamed at. I didn’t leave as asked b/c I wanted to talk and kept pushing him to talk. He just wasn’t having it. I dealt with name calling and being pushed around in the hopes that letting him take his anger out on me will somehow calm him down.  It didn’t work. Note to self…standing there and absorbing the abuse doesn’t make him feel better.

I went home afterwards to recoup. Spent the day sleeping and now I’m better. I anticipate having to hear him scream at me for the next few weeks and I’ll deal with it.

He’s the only adult person I have in my life. I don’t want or need anyone else. I know you’re probably thinking, “Why don’t you find someone else?” In truth, everyone ends up hurting me the same.  I’ve learned it’s pointless to even bother.  It’s really not the other person’s fault anyway. My personaliDSC_0012ty brings this out of people.  You’ll see how as I write more.

Happy early Merry Christmas.  I have the best looking tree at least. ^-^

 

My partial confession

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5:54pm

I never thought I would be this kind of person, although everything in my life pointed to her emerging. I wish I could be who I dreamed of being, but that isn’t what I really want, is it? I know why I’m here, I know how I got here, I just don’t know how to accept it. I guess I should be more clear.

I force people into relationships. I’m the kind of woman men are warned to stay away from. The desperate, clingy, needy, love-you-for-eternity-no-matter-the-consequences-or-your-behavior, type of woman. I’m the one men fall in love with at first and then try to claw their way from as I latch on.

I’ve been called a “duck” -at the first sight of possible forever love, I’ll follow blindly thus the day’s events.

I saw him today. I walked into his home uninvited, unannounced, my heart pounding wondering if he was alone upstairs.  I saw the platter of cookies on the counter as I dropped off diapers and made my way to his room. I lied down next to him and cried as I held him. He begrudgingly let me lie there holding him. My belly swelled up against his back.  Our daughter squirming under the sheets.  I wondered if he feels her too.

After an hour or so passes I run my hands down his body and kiss his neck. I want to feel connected to him.  I want to delude myself into thinking he is not gone from my life. He’s angry with me so I make my lips down his chest and ask if I can have him.

I’m not his.  He’s not mine.  I tell myself this everyday.  Soon, I won’t even have our daughter.  She’ll belong to her too.

She thinks I have no reason to be upset because I never had him to begin with. She’s probably right.

I’ve lost my dream again and I’ve fought frighteningly hard for it.  If only I could accept that I’ll never find the person who I want to be then maybe I’ll stop fighting and hurting others in the process.