I got something really special

That’s exactly what he said. He has something really special. A surprise actually and the whole day planned. I’m excited at this point. Making plans for that Saturday. Trying to figure out what it is and I think to myself it would be so nice to finally be with a good guy that cares for me and is willing to put in the effort. Does he have a trip around the city planned? Is he going to pick me up and we’d go out of town? Did he buy something cute to wear? What is this special event he has planned? Are we going to fly out of town, maybe? I don’t know. So I find a babysitter for the day and I think about all the fun possibilities. Zip lining? Helicopter ride? Cooking date? He won’t tell me.

This is my ex. We’ll call him Jeff. Jeff begged me to give him another chance. Said he cares about me and we had good times and he regrets what he did. I said, “I don’t know…” You can fill in the… Just think of all your past relationships and why they ended and all the reasons why you don’t want nor should you get back together with the person. And think of how they literally have to climb out of the pits of Hells to even have you consider touching them again. That’s how my relationship with Jeff ended. So,when he told me he had a special day planned I was really excited. I thought maybe he is serious? Maybe he really does regret leaving that woman’s underwear under his bathroom sink and fucking the workout buddy from his gym? All of which he denied. He has no idea how the underwear got under his sink and doesn’t remember the texts messages he sent about fucking that girl with the nice “ass”.

After everything I went through and am still going through with my other ex.and the mess that has become my life this day  was set up to be a very much needed reprieve.

Then Saturday came. I got up did my general morning routine and you know what. After working all week, I decided I didn’t want to go out. I know. I know. You’re thinking why? Jeff is wealthy, lives in a high rise, owns part of a pharmaceutical company, is a great dad…yeah he probably cheated, but why not give him another chance?

Because I don’t feel like it. He called later and asked if I could go out and I said,” I couldn’t the babysitter backed out.” And guess what? He says, “Aw man” with his Texas drawl, “I had the day planned. I was thinking you could come over here and I’d make a nice dinner and then we’d walk around uptown.” Ha. Yup…so his great date was for me to spend two hours getting pretty to see him, paying for a babysitter, just to drive 40 minutes to his place and then eat a lukewarm meal. Then walk around town so he could feel good about touching my ass in public and showing everyone I’m his.

I stayed home with the girls in my pjs that night and played minecraft. After working all week until late that was really the best night I’ve had. And my big kid liked it too.

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“Life just isn’t fair,” he said.

Medication for anxiety and depression further victimizes my mind. Why should I have to take medication because other people treated me like shit and abused me most of my life? Why should I have to hurt my mind and my ability to remember things because other people were assholes. It makes no sense. If anything they should be the ones taking medication for their illnesses and lobotomizing their brains. You know my memories make me sad, but I’m going to be strong and I’m not going to let the pharmaceutical industry poison me anymore.

It’s a good day so far and other random thoughts

I think when babies smile in their sleep they are dreaming of a never ending river of milk or snuggling up in the womb.

She’s getting pretty feisty with my boobs now. I imagine she’s thinking of obscenities to call my boobs when they don’t give her the amount of milk she wants right away. Her facial expressions and how she flails her arms about in anger are so funny. I wonder who she will become?

He’s been calm lately. Met up with us twice. It’s only a matter of time before his tantrums start again and he makes me upset. I’ll try not to think about it for now . I’ll just enjoy the momentary peace between us.

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I still hurt. I wish it would go away. I hate that I’ve regained some of my ability to remember easily. It’s been a few years since I’ve been on celexa and ativan.  It worked for me. Too well.  It allowed me to be happy, by trading in my fantastic memory, the ability to recall perfectly what it was like to kiss an ex for the first time.  I would remember how I felt in that very moment, the electricity up and down my spine (the same way I felt when I first kissed him), the feeling of their lips and skin. I could close my eyes and remember their hands on me, around my waist…

But without the ability to remember, I could forget my pain, stop ruminating and move forward. I could also forget my present.

It allowed me to stay with him in the beginning.  It allowed me to quell my anger, expectations, moods, desires.  It pacified me.  I was happy.

Honestly,  I love how I feel when I’m on it. I haven’t taken my meds and I won’t for a while. It’s a difficult sacrifice, but one I’m willing to make for her.

I will have to go on them again, eventually. Then I’ll no longer be able to remember phone numbers, events or conversations and I’ll forget my past, and I will be happy.

God, I miss being kissed.

Progress

I miss walking through the sea of Manhattan. Walking through the streets surrounded by so many people, observing, seeing and not being seen…that’s when I’m my happiest. After the baby is born, I’ll have to take a trip with the kids.  Being around everyone is like a warm blanket. Dallas is too empty during the day to recharge me.

My mind is quieter today for some reason.  I still think of my past, but it’s with a healthy amount of detachment.  I’m not reliving it as I think. I was able to make it through the day without randomly crying too.  If I can keep it together for the next three weeks that would be ideal.

I’ve admitted a lot to myself lately. Although I want attachments, my attachments have come with a negative price (disrespect, taken advantage of, career lost or put in jeopardy) and so, it’s not worth reaching out to others.  I have to become stronger somehow in order to function normally in social settings, but I don’t know how and I don’t want to.  Whenever I try to show my strength it’s like I get hammered down again anyway. Maybe I’m meant to exist without adult connections? At least it didn’t hurt as much today. I hope everyday it gets better and better until my solitude fulfills me with inner peace.

 

Accepting defeat

She texted me this morning because she found an email from me on his phone. The email had screenshots of his text messages telling me that their son is not his and that he is not in a relationship with her. They were old text messages from June of 2014.

I took her texts as a sign that he was home and told them both I was heading over there to get her things. When I got there he lied and told me he wasn’t home.  I could hear him upstairs and his car was outside.  So I texted her and asked her to tell him to put our daughter’s things outside. He did begrudgingly.  For some reason he wanted me to not talk to him for a few weeks and wait for him to calm down so we can talk.

There’s nothing for he and I to talk about. There is no future where he and I are together.  There is no future where he is a father to her or a part of her life. I’ve known this for a very long time.  It’s not my fault. It’s just what he’s decided and all paths lead to the same ending.  No matter what I do or what he says, it always ends the same.