I got something really special

That’s exactly what he said. He has something really special. A surprise actually and the whole day planned. I’m excited at this point. Making plans for that Saturday. Trying to figure out what it is and I think to myself it would be so nice to finally be with a good guy that cares for me and is willing to put in the effort. Does he have a trip around the city planned? Is he going to pick me up and we’d go out of town? Did he buy something cute to wear? What is this special event he has planned? Are we going to fly out of town, maybe? I don’t know. So I find a babysitter for the day and I think about all the fun possibilities. Zip lining? Helicopter ride? Cooking date? He won’t tell me.

This is my ex. We’ll call him Jeff. Jeff begged me to give him another chance. Said he cares about me and we had good times and he regrets what he did. I said, “I don’t know…” You can fill in the… Just think of all your past relationships and why they ended and all the reasons why you don’t want nor should you get back together with the person. And think of how they literally have to climb out of the pits of Hells to even have you consider touching them again. That’s how my relationship with Jeff ended. So,when he told me he had a special day planned I was really excited. I thought maybe he is serious? Maybe he really does regret leaving that woman’s underwear under his bathroom sink and fucking the workout buddy from his gym? All of which he denied. He has no idea how the underwear got under his sink and doesn’t remember the texts messages he sent about fucking that girl with the nice “ass”.

After everything I went through and am still going through with my other ex.and the mess that has become my life this day  was set up to be a very much needed reprieve.

Then Saturday came. I got up did my general morning routine and you know what. After working all week, I decided I didn’t want to go out. I know. I know. You’re thinking why? Jeff is wealthy, lives in a high rise, owns part of a pharmaceutical company, is a great dad…yeah he probably cheated, but why not give him another chance?

Because I don’t feel like it. He called later and asked if I could go out and I said,” I couldn’t the babysitter backed out.” And guess what? He says, “Aw man” with his Texas drawl, “I had the day planned. I was thinking you could come over here and I’d make a nice dinner and then we’d walk around uptown.” Ha. Yup…so his great date was for me to spend two hours getting pretty to see him, paying for a babysitter, just to drive 40 minutes to his place and then eat a lukewarm meal. Then walk around town so he could feel good about touching my ass in public and showing everyone I’m his.

I stayed home with the girls in my pjs that night and played minecraft. After working all week until late that was really the best night I’ve had. And my big kid liked it too.


“Life just isn’t fair,” he said.

Medication for anxiety and depression further victimizes my mind. Why should I have to take medication because other people treated me like shit and abused me most of my life? Why should I have to hurt my mind and my ability to remember things because other people were assholes. It makes no sense. If anything they should be the ones taking medication for their illnesses and lobotomizing their brains. You know my memories make me sad, but I’m going to be strong and I’m not going to let the pharmaceutical industry poison me anymore.