Total Recall

 

Just like I waited for him to leave me two years ago, I’m waiting for him to leave her. I know I should be proactive about this, but I only have him. I’m being selfish, I know.

I spent yesterday morning at his place just to see him ignore me and text the whole time; presumably a girl. We went out to eat lunch and sat in silence.

I told him, “It’s pointless for you to eat with us.”

He asked, “Why?”

“It just seems like a waste of your time.”

That’s all we are doing is wasting our time. Once Jennifer takes him back, he won’t ask to see her. I don’t want to keep doing this. It makes me want to cry when I’m with him and he’s somewhere else.

It’s a good day so far and other random thoughts

I think when babies smile in their sleep they are dreaming of a never ending river of milk or snuggling up in the womb.

She’s getting pretty feisty with my boobs now. I imagine she’s thinking of obscenities to call my boobs when they don’t give her the amount of milk she wants right away. Her facial expressions and how she flails her arms about in anger are so funny. I wonder who she will become?

He’s been calm lately. Met up with us twice. It’s only a matter of time before his tantrums start again and he makes me upset. I’ll try not to think about it for now . I’ll just enjoy the momentary peace between us.

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I still hurt. I wish it would go away. I hate that I’ve regained some of my ability to remember easily. It’s been a few years since I’ve been on celexa and ativan.  It worked for me. Too well.  It allowed me to be happy, by trading in my fantastic memory, the ability to recall perfectly what it was like to kiss an ex for the first time.  I would remember how I felt in that very moment, the electricity up and down my spine (the same way I felt when I first kissed him), the feeling of their lips and skin. I could close my eyes and remember their hands on me, around my waist…

But without the ability to remember, I could forget my pain, stop ruminating and move forward. I could also forget my present.

It allowed me to stay with him in the beginning.  It allowed me to quell my anger, expectations, moods, desires.  It pacified me.  I was happy.

Honestly,  I love how I feel when I’m on it. I haven’t taken my meds and I won’t for a while. It’s a difficult sacrifice, but one I’m willing to make for her.

I will have to go on them again, eventually. Then I’ll no longer be able to remember phone numbers, events or conversations and I’ll forget my past, and I will be happy.

God, I miss being kissed.