I miss walking through the sea of Manhattan. Walking through the streets surrounded by so many people, observing, seeing and not being seen…that’s when I’m my happiest. After the baby is born, I’ll have to take a trip with the kids. Being around everyone is like a warm blanket. Dallas is too empty during the day to recharge me.
My mind is quieter today for some reason. I still think of my past, but it’s with a healthy amount of detachment. I’m not reliving it as I think. I was able to make it through the day without randomly crying too. If I can keep it together for the next three weeks that would be ideal.
I’ve admitted a lot to myself lately. Although I want attachments, my attachments have come with a negative price (disrespect, taken advantage of, career lost or put in jeopardy) and so, it’s not worth reaching out to others. I have to become stronger somehow in order to function normally in social settings, but I don’t know how and I don’t want to. Whenever I try to show my strength it’s like I get hammered down again anyway. Maybe I’m meant to exist without adult connections? At least it didn’t hurt as much today. I hope everyday it gets better and better until my solitude fulfills me with inner peace.