Progress

I miss walking through the sea of Manhattan. Walking through the streets surrounded by so many people, observing, seeing and not being seen…that’s when I’m my happiest. After the baby is born, I’ll have to take a trip with the kids.  Being around everyone is like a warm blanket. Dallas is too empty during the day to recharge me.

My mind is quieter today for some reason.  I still think of my past, but it’s with a healthy amount of detachment.  I’m not reliving it as I think. I was able to make it through the day without randomly crying too.  If I can keep it together for the next three weeks that would be ideal.

I’ve admitted a lot to myself lately. Although I want attachments, my attachments have come with a negative price (disrespect, taken advantage of, career lost or put in jeopardy) and so, it’s not worth reaching out to others.  I have to become stronger somehow in order to function normally in social settings, but I don’t know how and I don’t want to.  Whenever I try to show my strength it’s like I get hammered down again anyway. Maybe I’m meant to exist without adult connections? At least it didn’t hurt as much today. I hope everyday it gets better and better until my solitude fulfills me with inner peace.

 

Accepting defeat

She texted me this morning because she found an email from me on his phone. The email had screenshots of his text messages telling me that their son is not his and that he is not in a relationship with her. They were old text messages from June of 2014.

I took her texts as a sign that he was home and told them both I was heading over there to get her things. When I got there he lied and told me he wasn’t home.  I could hear him upstairs and his car was outside.  So I texted her and asked her to tell him to put our daughter’s things outside. He did begrudgingly.  For some reason he wanted me to not talk to him for a few weeks and wait for him to calm down so we can talk.

There’s nothing for he and I to talk about. There is no future where he and I are together.  There is no future where he is a father to her or a part of her life. I’ve known this for a very long time.  It’s not my fault. It’s just what he’s decided and all paths lead to the same ending.  No matter what I do or what he says, it always ends the same.