Nights you don’t remember

 

Another day, 40+ text, at least 10 phone calls, one call back missed, doorbell rung 30 times (this is the 3rd time I’ve been this excessive), 8 months gone, 5 weeks left. Driving home reminiscing about us dancing to love songs in my living room 2 years ago. I know I have a problem. I just don’t know how to fix it. I try to think of a future where I start over and am happy.  It’s not a long-term solution.

Spent the morning crying on and off again. Took my daughter to ice skating practice. I couldn’t watch her practice. I was so depressed I stayed in the car resting and avoiding crying.  I know, I’m a terrible mother. Who cries in front of their kids? I hate when people judge me for it.  At least I accept my emotions now and don’t beat myself up for having them.  I also tell people that say that to me to fuck off. That’s progress. Right?

I’ve been researching BPD.  I think I have it. Fear of abandonment is a huge issue. I was talking to my therapist the other day. I told her, “I think I’m a narcissist or sociopath or have BPD.”
“You’re definitely not a sociopath and I don’t see you as a narcissists.” “But I stalk him.”
“We’ve talked about this. It’s not stalking…”

Notice how she didn’t say, “You don’t have BPD”. It doesn’t matter what she tells me. I stalk him. I may not wait outside his house for hours until he comes out or drive by daily or follow him places, but it’s still not healthy. It doesn’t matter if he let’s me inside most of the time and has sex with me. I still show up unannounced.

Sometimes, he’s ok with it. Opens the door. Grumbles something to the affect of “Why are you here?” and let’s me inside. Or I walk upstairs, curl up beside him and he let’s me stroke his hair while he sleeps. Those times, he turns over and holds me back. I feel loved, we make love.
Other times, he’s furious.
“I told you to get out of my life!”
” Why are you here?! Go away!”
“I want to be alone!”
“Stop coming inside!”
Then he calls his girlfriend and tells her how crazy I am for showing up to his place again. She then emails and defends him. Most of the time, I don’t defend myself. I did the last time. I texted her, when I’m on top and his phone is beside me under the pillow I wish for it to dial you by mistake so you can hear him when he cums inside of me. God, I’m such a bitch. I regret saying it. She’s not a bad person, just really stupid.

He and I are both mentally ill.  He knows I latch onto him b/c of it.  It makes me feel less guilty. I dump normal people.  I don’t want to ruin their lives with my neediness, obsession, anxiety, depression, self-loathing…Well look at that. All characteristics of BPD.

The last normal person I was with…my pushiness drove him to…do and feel a lot of things I don’t like to admit.  He started to become me.  The behaviors he started to exhibit were my fault.  At least he’s happy now, been married for 5 years, has a child and is a better person to her than he ever was to me. I don’t regret letting him go. I ruined him. Now I bet he’s in recovery.

All I want is to get married and have a family, but for the good of every man out there I know I should never be apart of anyone’s life like that.

To fight the chronic loneliness and urge to connect I’ve only allowed myself to connect with him and I do minimal damage in the process. Selfish isn’t it? If I could live in complete isolation, I would. I wish I was a good enough person to do that. I’m just a horrible person. I’ll never be fixed.

 

 

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