My partial confession

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5:54pm

I never thought I would be this kind of person, although everything in my life pointed to her emerging. I wish I could be who I dreamed of being, but that isn’t what I really want, is it? I know why I’m here, I know how I got here, I just don’t know how to accept it. I guess I should be more clear.

I force people into relationships. I’m the kind of woman men are warned to stay away from. The desperate, clingy, needy, love-you-for-eternity-no-matter-the-consequences-or-your-behavior, type of woman. I’m the one men fall in love with at first and then try to claw their way from as I latch on.

I’ve been called a “duck” -at the first sight of possible forever love, I’ll follow blindly thus the day’s events.

I saw him today. I walked into his home uninvited, unannounced, my heart pounding wondering if he was alone upstairs.  I saw the platter of cookies on the counter as I dropped off diapers and made my way to his room. I lied down next to him and cried as I held him. He begrudgingly let me lie there holding him. My belly swelled up against his back.  Our daughter squirming under the sheets.  I wondered if he feels her too.

After an hour or so passes I run my hands down his body and kiss his neck. I want to feel connected to him.  I want to delude myself into thinking he is not gone from my life. He’s angry with me so I make my lips down his chest and ask if I can have him.

I’m not his.  He’s not mine.  I tell myself this everyday.  Soon, I won’t even have our daughter.  She’ll belong to her too.

She thinks I have no reason to be upset because I never had him to begin with. She’s probably right.

I’ve lost my dream again and I’ve fought frighteningly hard for it.  If only I could accept that I’ll never find the person who I want to be then maybe I’ll stop fighting and hurting others in the process.

 

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